Access: PublicBOOK EXCERPT: Bringing Down the Walls of Judgment
What follows is an excerpt from a very early draft of my upcoming book, i Stand (sub-title yet to be determined). Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.
Judgment Walls As A Tool of the Positionary Mind
The young child is adored by her parents. In their eyes she can do no wrong. She is precious, perfect. Even when she messes her diaper, she’s a little miracle.
Her parents seem to be all powerful. They can get the cookies down from the top shelf. And they’re all knowing too. They know how to tie shoes and count to 20. Her parents are her grasp on reality—what’s what, who’s who, and why things do what they do.
Then one day, mom comes home after being stuck in traffic and sees the house a mess. She hasn’t had any time to herself in a long time. She’s been giving so much, working so hard, and now the house is a mess again.
Around the corner comes the adorable little girl, so happy to see mommy, and in that instant she sees the glare in her mom’s eyes, hears the shriek of her voice and her towering presence over her. The little one is petrified.
She cries out, her whole world is upside down. The one who knows everything, the one who gave her life, the one to takes care of her, the one who she depends on for love and survival is suddenly a threat to her existence—or so it seems.
What is she to do? What can she do?
As the child grows older, she learns a few basic strategies to deal with this pain.
She learns ways of finding separation from her parents’ eyes and voice, so she’s not hurt by their looks of disapproval, or the subtle mockery in their voices. Eventually, as she begins to form her own identity among her peers, she becomes more self-conscious and the extra shaming from her parents only adds fuel to the fire.
She stays in her room a lot. She puts on her headphones and listens to music. She spends a lot of time with friends, who understand her and approve of her. She leaves the house a lot, finds other things to do. She covers her ears and runs out of the room, when necessary.
And there’s another way she finds separation. She erects walls of judgment. If mom is a psycho basket case, then when mom’s yelling at her, it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher. Waa Waa Waa Waa Waa Waa Waa Waa. And, it doesn’t hurt as much that mom disapproves.
Any kind of judgment works. Maybe mom is too old, too conservative, too tight, too out of touch, too controlling, too manipulative, too mean, too ___________________.
What works is that mom’s looks and words of disapproval don’t hurt as much anymore.
Then, when she’s in school and the cool group of girls laugh at her, she learns to look down on them. They’re stupid, or preppy, or arrogant. Again, any judgments will do the trick. It works for the girl’s mind, because it’s less painful to be in their presence or to think of them.
As the girl dates, and is rejected by the guy she adores. It hurts. Judgments help give her the strength to let go and move on.
But over time, the girl has erected a set of emotional and mental walls that begin to keep her separate and alone, a virtual prisoner in a self-made jail. And she’s getting really good at it. She knows how to shame someone just with a roll of her eyes. Inside, though, she’s hurting. She just may not know how much she’s hurting. Others may not know. Until she starts to find ways to medicate herself or find approval among peers, who are also hurting.
By this time, her parents have little influence. It hurts them that their daughter won’t open up to them fully. It hurts that she says mean things to them. They raised her, supported her, sacrificed so much for her, loved her through it all—and now she’s so distant, and sometimes as cold as ice.
They don’t know what to do. They too are hurting deeply. To be rejected, even hated by their flesh and blood, by the little precious baby they gave birth to. What could hurt more deeply? Silently her parents blame themselves, and each other. And, of course, when their daughter looks at them or speaks to them in a disrespectful way, they sometimes lash out—further fueling their daughter’s pain, and justifying her fears that they don’t love her, don’t see her, and don’t understand her.
Sometimes the young girl may try to open up and explain. And her parents, assuming they understand and wanting to help, offer her advice–from behind their own judgment walls. And she feels it. She can’t hear their words, because she senses their disapproval. They think they’re listening. She knows they’re not.
And so the separation grows ever wider. At some point, a comfortable distance of separation is reached, and everyone comes to accept each other. “Such is life,” they say. And they give up on the impassioned dreams and desires for deeply intimate, loving family bonds. Sure, they laugh together, visit each other, talk to one another, and everything’s fine.
But there’s no vision for it being any other way.
Their Judgment Walls keep them from being able to see and speak to the heart of the other.
Judgment Walls are an integral tool of the Positionary Mind. Judgment Walls limit our vision, but they keep us protected from being hurt—or at least it appears that way.
Over the years, the separation caused by the walls brings far more suffering than the pain of being judged in the moment.
Judgments, however, can be a powerful way to force yourself and your views on others. They can be used to have people do what you want, because they fear you, or fear being judged by you. Whether we realize it or not, most of us are judgment Jedi’s! We can swing our sword of our judgment in the blink of an eye.
Many people have become very successful in today’s Positionary World using Judgments as tools and weapons. It’s obvious to see in those who walk all over others to get their way, but most of those they walk over, no doubt stand in judgment of them.
So, how do we protect ourselves from our parents’ and other authorities’ judgments of us? By building our own walls of judgment, which in turn hurt them. Of course, they then make their walls even thicker which hurts us more. And, on and on it goes….
Why are our parents and other authorities in our lives often so incapable of really seeing us and speaking to our hearts? Why do they use fear, guilt and shame to enforce their views on us? Why are they so distant? Or, so intrusive? Or, so insensitive? Or ______________?
Consider that they grew up in the same crazy world we’re living in now. They faced the judgments of the world, to be who they have become. Inside each adult is a wounded child, longing to be seen and honored for who they truly are.
If you’re ready to end the craziness of the Positionary Mind, and collapse the walls of judgment that keep you separated from the ones you love, I invite you to take an application for the iStand Experience, formerly the VisionForce Boot Camp. NOTE: The application deadline for the Spring Session is tonight, Monday February 4th at 11:59pm.
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Add comment February 4th, 2008 Michael Skye
vision force
April 2008